Exam Results day: the impact on grieving young people

Childhood bereavement charity Winston’s Wish advises parents and professionals on how a young person may feel on their results day after somebody close to them has died, and what they can do to prepare, support and understand them.

With statistics showing 1 in 20 people have experienced the death of a parent by the age of 16 and another survey indicating 78% have been bereaved of a close relative or friend between the ages of 11 and 16, it matters to know how these educational milestones can affect grieving young people.

Getting exam results is a nervous and often emotional experience for lots of young people when the day arrives. The expectation, hopes and worries the results will bring, as well as any concerns about the future will be a familiar experience for many.

Any milestone or significant life event such as exam results day can trigger a wave of grief and emotions or an intense longing for somebody who has died. It can also be a reminder that the person they loved is no longer there to share in the day. Winston’s Wish hears from many young people around this time of year, as they get their exam results, struggling with the death of family members, friends, teachers and role models to name a few.

If the young person is happy with their results, the person they want to share the special moment with the most may not be there. A proud family member, a classmate who should be celebrating with them or a sibling not able to reach those same milestones. This could cause the young person to feel guilty that they are celebrating or moving on to the next stage of their life without them, or sad a piece of their puzzle is missing.

If the young person hasn’t done as well as hoped or expected, there may be painful feelings around having let people down. They may feel vulnerable and disappointed, and these feelings could trigger strong emotions for the young person, wishing the person who had died could comfort them and help them through. It can be difficult for young people to be kind to themselves, and feelings of loneliness are common after a death; encouraging them to talk to you, someone at school or in the family who can help make a practical plan to see a way forwards can be helpful. It could be that the person who has died is a parent or carer and it may be an added difficulty to navigate the practicalities of clearings, appeals, and future placements without them.

Winston’s Wish says ‘studying for exams when grieving is difficult and anyone who has done it deserves huge acknowledgment and respect’. Young people tell us revising is incredibly hard; that they ‘drift off’ or can’t take anything in. Child bereavement practitioner Sophie Brown says “If you know someone who has revised and taken their exams while they are grieving, it doesn’t matter how they’ve done, buy them a cake, send them a text, post them a letter and let them know that you are thinking of them and are proud of them for doing something so difficult.”

As an adult supporting a young person in these circumstances, some things that can help is reminding them that it is ok to be sad, or to think and talk about that person on the day. Making some time to remember the person who has died can help us to feel that they have been part of that special day, as well as being able to share our feelings and feel supported by others. It can also help to remind the young person that having fun or feeling happy isn’t a sign that they miss that person any less.

It may help for the young person to write a letter to the person who has died, to tell them how they feel they did and what’s going on for them. They can choose to keep the letter safe or do what feels right with it afterwards, writing can be cathartic in the grieving process.

Planning in advance of results day can also help to support the young person. Talking through about how they might want to remember that person on their results day can be helpful, and if they feel they will be upset on the day, you can plan comforting activities to do on the day, such as going to a certain place, or being with people they feel supported by. This will help the young person feel prepared to be able to cope when the day comes, especially if they are worried their feelings are going to be overwhelming.