Four questions, based on neuroscience, to ask when your child is misbehaving

Children are little boundary pushers, and that’s good. They need to find out what behaviour is okay and which isn’t. What’s easy for us as adults to forget is that the boundaries are always changing for our kids. One set of rules with school, one set (or more) at home, another at the playground, and yet another out shopping. It can be confusing and take a lot of time and effort to figure out. Or, as famous child psychologist Jean Piaget said, “Experience precedes understanding.” If you add to that the energy generated in little kids' bodies, there’s bound to be instances of misbehaviour. Read on to learn four questions to ask to understand better what might be going on when your child is misbehaving.

It's not always easy to keep your cool when your precious child is acting more like a criminal mastermind or social delinquent, but it helps. As the adults in the room, it’s always on us to stay calm. It helps to have some questions to go through after you’ve done your own “count to ten to calm myself down” routine a time or two…or three. Another thing to realise is that this isn’t personal, though it feels like it. All kids push boundaries in healthy and unhealthy ways. This testing is about them figuring out how to deal with their emotions. We often feel embarrassed when this happens, but remember: any good parent out there seeing the tantrum is feeling your pain. They have been there, and those judge-y people out there who don’t have kids…well, they will realise their mistake when they have their own. Don’t sweat the bystanders. You are the one in the game.

Once you’re centred back into dad/mom mode, here are four good questions to ask yourself based on neuroscience, which looks at how and why our brains shape our experiences as well as how and why our experiences shape our brains.

1. Is your child tired?

Your brain is doing three important things while you sleep. The first is deciding which memories are important and which are not. When students don’t get enough sleep, it’s almost as if they are erasing what they learned that day. The second is processing emotions. You know this is true because of how cranky both children and adults can be if they don’t get enough sleep. The third is cleaning. The glymphatic system, your brain’s waste management system, clears out the chemical “junk” that’s built up during the day.

For parents, the most important benefit of sleep for behaviour is emotional regulation. When children are not getting enough sleep, their tired little brains are not going to be reasonable. Children are already feeling emotions at a heightened state compared to adults, and they don’t have our experience or skills in handling them. That melt-down on aisle four or yelling at a sibling might be happening because of how tired a child is. Johhny may need a nap more than a timeout. 

2. Is your child hungry?

Am I the only one who gets angry when six grown adults spend 20 minutes deciding on what pizzas to order? To be more accurate, am I the only one who, when hungry, gets angry at any delays in getting food? When I’m not that hungry, I can laugh at the situation. Our brains, big and small, are in charge of getting the food we need, but it doesn’t work well when we are hungry. Sudden mood changes, hyperactivity, aggression, and even anxiety can all be signs of a hungry kid.

Think back to the last time your child ate. How long ago was it, and what was it? If the last meal was six hours ago, your children don't need discipline and proper behaviour lessons. They need some food. If the last meal was a bowl of coco-bombs mega sugar chocolate cereal 20 minutes ago, you’re dealing with a sugar monster, not your child! 

A high-protein snack is a quick fix for hunger issues. Some cheese, meat, or nuts can go a long way to stabilise blood sugar levels as well as potentially reduce anxiety. If you ask this question regularly, you may find that some of the issues you have with your child’s behaviour can be fixed by keeping to a regular and mostly healthy diet. Maya may need an apple more than lessons on respecting her elders.

3. Does your child need to move around?

The 21st century, at least the beginning of it, should be called the sit and stare century. We, and our children, could not be offered a more sedentary set of options for living, options that our brains may like at the moment but are disastrous for the long haul or even a day.

Getting your children active is not just good for their bodies; it helps their brains, too. Being physically active increases their ability to pay attention, which is one reason why recess is just as important as any other class in school. It also improves what neuroscientists call “executive control.” Yes, that’s exactly what you think it is: the overall decision-making process of the brain. Kids think and act more clearly when they spend parts of their day being active. Johnny and Maya may need time running around more than a lecture on proper behaviour.

4. Did I teach them to do this?

This last question is the toughest and about you and how you parent. The latest research on emotions makes the case that emotions are based on a combination of culture and experience. Culturally, we may teach children that having fits in stores is not an appropriate emotional response, but if parents give in to children who are doing so, experience is teaching them this is precisely the right emotional response to have to get what he or she wants. So, if you typically ignore your child until this behaviour happens, whatever this unwanted behaviour is, you’ve trained them to act this way. 

If this activity usually happens when you are paying attention to your phone and not your child, this is most likely your child’s unsophisticated way of telling you to put the phone down. If this behaviour is linked to a demand like buy the coco-bomb chocolate cereal or let me keep doing what I was doing before the tantrum and you have relented before to stop the behaviour, your child isn’t misbehaving – she’s negotiating.

You're in a tough spot if you realise this is the case. Your child’s behaviour, while unwanted, makes perfect sense, and you may feel guilty about your parenting. Guilt isn’t a great parenting guide. Be firm but loving, survive the moment, and make it home to make a plan for dealing with this situation in the future. 

Raising children is like being on a journey and getting the packing list after you arrive at the destination. Because parents are as unique as their children, there are no one-size-fits-all solutions, and we often learn the best thing to do in a situation only after we do the worst thing to do in a situation. These are, however, four good questions that every parent should have in his or her toolbox. 

We all want solutions, but if we go straight to solutions without understanding the cause of the behaviour, it’s not a solution. At best, it’s a band-aid. At worst, it will create long-term problems. Use these questions to find out if the behaviour you are trying to change can best be fixed by a nap, a snack, or some running around. 

If you’ve created the problem (question 4), well…at least you know and can tackle that as best you can. Who knows, if you make sure you’re not tired, hungry, or suffering from sitting all day, you just might come up with a solution on your own that would make a neuroscientist proud. 

There are many factors that shape our children’s behaviour. By asking if your child is tired, you’re more likely to discover inadequate or disrupted sleep patterns. Looking into what your child has or hasn’t eaten in the last six hours will help you better understand how your child’s diet affects behaviour. Making sure your child is getting enough physical activity will not only make your life easier but also help your child deal with everyday emotional peaks and valleys. Finally, taking an honest assessment of how we shape our children’s responses to life is the first step in making meaningful changes. Use these questions the next time your child is misbehaving to help find what your child really needs at that moment.

Steve Anderson is married and has two sons. He is the former director of the Boys to Men Mentoring Network of Minnesota, where he led national and international transformational weekends for boys. He has over ten years of experience working with men and boys, developing the emotional awareness and skills they need to reach their full potential. He also has over 20 years of experience teaching people how to communicate effectively. He lived through his dad’s spectacular burnout as a teenager and works with fathers to help them avoid doing the same in their own lives. He is a certified professional coach with training in applied neuroscience. For more information visit: https://steveanderson.coach/