5 Tips to Switch Off When You Feel Like You Should Be Doing Something

If you're the default parent, chances are you're the one keeping everything ticking over—main carer for the children, managing the life admin, sorting the household jobs, and remembering all the little (and big!)  details. You’ve got a running mental checklist of what needs doing and when. You probably wish you just had a pause button to get on top of everything. 

So on the rare occasion when you finally get a spare moment, it makes sense that it’s easy for you to feel like you should be doing something productive. Perhaps you settle down to try and watch that show on Netflix everyones been talking about but throughout it you end up getting distracted or feeling like you're wasting time. Or you even start feeling guilty!

When you spend so much time sacrificing your own needs for the sake of others and being so preoccupied with what everyone else wants and needs, it can feel ‘wrong’ to not be doing something.

But here’s the thing - not giving yourself proper time to rest can really take its toll and before you know it, you’re struggling to do the most basic things because you’re so exhausted from it all. 

Taking time out is crucial, and I know it’s hard to feel it but it really is okay to switch off.

If this resonates and you struggle to relax when you finally get a break, here are five tips to help you unwind, guilt-free.

1. Acknowledge the Mental Load

Start by acknowledging that the constant feeling of needing to do something comes from carrying the mental load of the family. Being the default parent means juggling all the invisible tasks that no one else even realises need doing. You’re not being unproductive; you’re managing a lot and to continue managing the load you need to feel ok in yourself. Recognising this can help ease the pressure and reframe it as a necessity to keep doing what you’re doing.

2. Set Clear Boundaries Around Your Downtime

It might feel a bit odd at first, but setting boundaries for your rest time is vital. This will depend on your set up at home and whether you have supportive people in your life. Assess if you are able to carve out some time each day, even if it's 15 minutes to start with. Think of it as an appointment you have to attend and mentally block that time out to protect it. If you need to, let your family know when it’s your time for a break—no interruptions unless absolutely necessary. Whether it’s 15 minutes with a brew or half an hour to go for a walk, protecting this time helps you get used to unwinding. Your rest is as important as any job on your never-ending to-do list.

3. Be Present in the Moment

If you’re used to doing a million things at once, sitting still can feel uncomfortable, especially at first, because it’s unfamiliar to you and our nervous system doesn’t tend to like what’s unfamiliar! The good news is, the more you practice the more you will get used to it. Try to focus on whatever you’re doing in the moment, no matter how small. Put your phone in another room if it helps. You will likely notice how busy your mind feels, and that’s ok, it’s understandable! Just notice and acknowledge it and refocus on what you’re doing. Take a few deep breaths to bring yourself back to the present. Even if it feels like a tug of war at times, remember it will get easier the more you practice.  Once you are able to be more mindful in these moments it can help break the habit of constantly planning or thinking ahead.

4. Lower Your Standards (And That’s Okay)

We often put pressure on ourselves to keep everything perfect and as organised as we can —whether it’s tidying up the house or making sure everyone’s sorted. If you’re someone who automatically says ‘excuse the mess’ when someone comes round then you’ll know how it feels to try and let things just ‘be’. But ask yourself what would you say to a friend if they were in your situation and feeling how you feel? Notice the words and the tone you use to speak to them and try and say it to yourself (even if it’s hard to believe the words at first). Remind yourself that ‘good enough’ really is good enough. The washing-up can wait, and the world won’t end if the hoovering doesn’t get done right now. Prioritising your own rest isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for emotional and physical health.

5. Build Rest Into Your Routine

Make rest a part of your routine, like all those other things you do. Set aside time for self-care, whether it’s a soak in the bath, a bit of telly, or even a short nap. Having a regular time for yourself means you get more used to it and therefore as it starts feeling more familiar to your nervous system, you’ll notice it feels easier to relax without feeling guilty. Over time you’ll notice the benefits more and more as you feel less drained, more balanced and better equipped to manage everything else.

A Final Reminder

Being the default parent can feel like a full-time job in itself, and it’s easy to think you’re never doing enough. Depending on the messages you’ve received growing up, you may have been taught that it’s wrong to put your wants and needs first at the expense of what ‘needs’ doing. 

But the truth is, you deserve a break just as much as anyone else and if you imagined a friend in your position I’m sure you’d be saying the same to them! Learning to switch off and make time for yourself isn’t selfish; it’s essential for your well-being. Remember, when you look after yourself, you’re better placed to look after everyone else.